1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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