i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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