this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
