I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
