M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
