why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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