Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
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The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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