We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
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She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
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She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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