Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
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I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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