No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
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Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
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And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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