Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
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There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
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ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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