just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
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Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
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So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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