Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
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He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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