put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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