my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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