the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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