I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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