she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
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Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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