Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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