I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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