I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
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No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
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It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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