She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
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I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
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I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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