Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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