i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
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i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
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We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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