My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
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I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
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trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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