tell your sister to shave her snatch
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize