So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize