he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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