I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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