my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
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his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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