The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
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It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
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I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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