I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
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Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
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I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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