I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize