I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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