i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize