she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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