Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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