I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
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Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
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P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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