Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
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