I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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