3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize