i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
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i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
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While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
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