I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
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My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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