i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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