The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
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it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
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All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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