Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
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At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
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You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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