I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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