Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
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Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
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Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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