Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
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I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
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After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
try to milk me bitch
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