then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
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I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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