i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize