Your mouth is God's brothel.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
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did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
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Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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